my minds thoughts

are erratic. and obsessive, and honestly downright spirally. not in a bad way all the time, but in a stream of conscious, mildly cynical, utterly exhaustive way that keeps me from sleeping at night. especially when my love life is in question... sleeping is out of the question.

love is the four letter word that takes every cliche expression and turns it inside out. i only know it because i feel it, but because i can't compare it i doubt it's effects. I don't even know if what i know to be love and a genuine connection is one, because i feel as though what i have to compare to it are half assed attempts at relatedness and a prior teenage relationship with no substance or sense of reality. Every major romantic decision to date, which granted is limited and restrained (always, by me and myself and i) has come down to a head vs. heart esque dillema that has me running for the door and away from intimacy. I don't know why or when or if it's true. All i know is that with every step i take towards my future i find a tugging nagging sense of urgency to walk away from my relationship. (This is my brain talking)

It's saying that logically, the odds of ending up with my high school sweetheart are slim to none. It's saying that if i want to pursue a top career i have to be determined and vigorous in my ambitions. And thus, i have to make the best decisions for myself. I can't think in terms of a 'we'. I have to look out for me. It means i put my career first and find my relationship later. It's saying that love is not ever going to be just enough, and that really, i should probably just date. It's saying that in confining myself to a relationship so young in the game i might actually be limiting myself.

It's saying that Jessica, if you feel all of the above, you really must not trust this guy. And that, coupled with a fear of commitment, will have you running for the door everytime. It's saying that i don't want to believe in fairytales or romantic shit because i'm not that type of girl. But i want to believe that i would be dazzled by the character of a man with such passion he could qualify my own. It's saying that sometimes love is baggage....and you need to walk away to find something better.

My heart...doesn't need a list. It just feels. And beats. And hums away. It remains completely at odds with my head in that it cannot be convinced that leaving my love could ever be the right decision. It tells me to hold on to this precious feeling as long as i can. It tells me things will get better, and to trust that. It tells me that leaving would be running away. And what if i regret it? What if i just didn't give it long enough? I would put myself through a generally guaranteed amount of angst and heartache. To prove a point down the line? To hope for better? I know it's there...i just don't know how important it would be comparably.


I know that i have to trust myself. I have to listen to what i want, and what is best for me. I just really...really..don't know which part of myself to listen too.

tsk, tsk

The 2010/2011 school year is approaching... you know what that means, right? Textbooks, sorority girls, two jobs, and yes... a 21 year old's fun filled senior year of college... i hope.

Let me be honest, i'm sitting here on a Saturday night (Saturday's i work 1pm-10:30pm) thinking about how i start school on Monday wondering exactly how i'm going to pull this off. I don't want to whine and complain but damn... give me a second to envy the kid who doesnt have to have a job (especially 2) and just goes to class a few times a week for class and has *GASP* free time. I mean, i have to schedule in grocery store trips, bank trips, and believe it or not- showers! The only free time i have in a week is Saturday and Sunday morning and Monday- Wednesday night past 6:30. Scratch that. Monday night is boyfriend night. Tuesday and Wednesday nights then...

Working every day has its up sides...aka MONEY. But i'm wondering how i'm going to handle this once class comes into the picture. The best case scenario is that since i'm always moving and scheduling and busy i'll do better and excel in class. I can do my homework during the downtime at the shows i work during the weekend... why not. i have nothing better to do. The worst case scenario is i fall flat on my face and fail out of college my senior year- EPIC FAIL. And i cannot afford to epic fail right now so this better mean im gonna woop out my skills and be a ROCKSTAR and pull off two jobs, a social life, and straight A's.

I feel like i'm sitting here looking out over the abyss that is the next semester and wondering...what have i gotten myself into. It's not like anyone in my life close to me is going to be in a similar enough situation to understand. Sweeeeeeetbeans.

Case in point. I need to buy myself a fucking coffee pot.

Is this your calling card?

Damn i almost wish the answer to this question was YES.

People too easily jump into relationships. What happened to the fine art of dating? Of meeting people, getting to know them as people, before considering them as potential mates? The art of dating gives you the opportunity to meet wonderful people (hopefully) and find out things about yourself depending on what works best in dating scenarios. It teaches you what you want. Which to me, is WHY this calling card is awesome!

If i was single, and was at a point in my life as a young professional where i was dating around enough to BAIL if people get weird, i would LOVE to have a card like this. the only down sides are that it can be considered insensitive, cold, routinized...but that doesnt matter. this isn't about the men who have lost you, or at least are not worth getting to know more of, its about YOU. do what you want. :)

What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?

I full heartedly believe in this statement. This statement also reminds me of this passage i read in a book for one of my classes. Love is beautiful and magnificent and unites two people. Love, in my opinion should be a combination of passion and friendship. Because, as i noted during this class, passion is as a flame. It flickers. Some days it is brighter than the other. Sometimes it can wither a little, unfortunately sometimes with time, age, and responsibilities, it can dull. But if you have friendship in your relationship, in your love, it's what gets you through the times when your flame is flickering a little less.

maybe i'll always fear commitment...

I wonder sometimes about relationships. If we're all doing them right, in our different ways. Or if we're all doing them wrong, in every way. I don't wonder about love. I feel like when you're in love- you just know. You can feel it in your toes, everywhere. It's this palpable knowledge..not even a feeling anymore. Where you can be absolutely ridiculous with someone. Silly. Teasing. I don't think there is anything wrong with love. No, love is easy. It feels right. The problem comes when you put your love under the parameters of a relationship. Relationships suck! So many questions, situations, challenges, ideals, and feelings come into conflict with one another. Basically, you can be in love but a relationship puts two people in direct conflict with one another. You love one another so you have to feel each other out..you have to learn. .relearn. .group. .regroup. .continue. And sometimes it fails. Sometimes you have to start again. And because the relationship fails...you are forced to make the love fail. One falls out of love...the other is dragged out of love. And it hurts. Because the comfort your body- your essence- YOU- got used to, is being wrenched apart. You have to adjust. And it's not easy.

So all of this just makes me wonder, if being in love is so great, what makes a relationship so damn difficult?

What you want out of it, for one. Quirks. Interests. Past, present, and future decisions... it's all a crap shoot. hit or miss.

And some people think they didn't miss..that they found the one for them. But then you take the beautiful love..wrapped in a (we'll call it) functional relationship...and then you put it under the parameters of marriage. Then you hit the big challenges...Money. Time. Goals. Priorities. Sacrifices (whether for your partner or for your relationship) Skills. Ideals. How your going to raise your kids. And heaven forbid you both change into people you don't even know. Because that's going to happen. You are both going to change, hopefully you'll grow towards each other rather than away from each other. And hopefully when you both change, you can still recognize who you loved in that person. Hopefully it's a change for the better...for the both of you. But is that really reasonable to expect? Your 20. Or your 22. Or your 25...it doesn't matter. Who are you going to be when your 30? or 40? or even 65? I'm not telling you it can't work. I'm telling you that you yourself are going to want things from yourself you didn't' want now. Isn't that at least a little scary?

SO my point is. When you fall in love..it's so hard to wrench yourself from people or individuals your madly in love with..people you want to try soooo hard to BE WITH. but if your trying so hard, how much is too much? Ask yourself then (when your young and in love) what you may not be able to afford to ask yourself THEN (when your 45 and you don't even know who you married). Draw lines. Have deal breakers. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE CHOOSY.

now only if i could listen to my own advice pfffft, i'm in love, who am i kidding?

STRESSSSSSS

I decided i'm going to make a list of things about myself that i can control and change, in an effort to grow emotionally. Lately my life is so stressful i've realized there must be things i can change to alleviate the stress.

1. Sleeping Habits, as in sleep earlier, wake up earlier. I swear i must have a sleeping disorder.
2. Stop procrastinating so much, i literally choose to leave things off until later sometimes.
3. Stop holding grudges, seriously this adds so much weight to my emotions and brain its ridiculous. At this point, i can't help it but i know if i work on it it'll get better. I'm just so used to "not settling" that i mentally (and unintentionally) keep a tab so i make sure i'm not getting fucked over. Probably because I've been screwed over so many times... but its just plain not healthy.
4. Only put as much energy into the people around me, as they are putting back into me. This sounds petty, but really its just exhausting to invest so much and not have it returned.
5. Start excercising. I am severely lacking in energy, ALL THE TIME! I need to start making my body feel alive.
6. Quit smoking. I've been trying to do this for a couple years now... and its really not that hard. Except i am a "why not'er" not a "why'er" and at the end of the day i only ask myself, "why not?". and my resolve weakens.
7. Get a better job. A large part of the stress in my life comes from my job, the pay grade, the stress level, the responsibilities, and the lack of return i see from my efforts.
8. Go to the doctor's. Yeah, i've been avoiding the fact that something is seriously wrong with me. I slept through my freshmen year of college, i severely lack motivation, energy, and my body hurts all the time. I've been avoiding the fact that i could be depressed. I thought i'd already passed that hurtle without having to have it addressed in a professional capacity, but i recently realized that it doesnt always manifest itself in the mental state of people, but in their actions or inactions. My body is literally trying to tell me what i'm trying to ignore about myself.
9. Get a blood test. I have never had a blood test. I HATE needles. What i really want is for someone, preferably my boyfriend, to go with me and hold my hand, cause i actually am scared about the thought of a needle not only in my skin but taking precious bodily fluid out of me..ugh. However, i hate that people or alex will think its silly that i'm asking for company. And i hate that about my life. Besides, i really should get a blood test. My mom has thyroid issues and i should really check and see if i got them too so i can begin treatment early.
10. Hang out with my best friends more. They make me SO HAPPY i don't know why i don't hang out with them more. Quite literally, i feel like im stuck in a rut, and i know they will help me out of it and i know that i'll enjoy it! My best friends and i have never had to see each other often to validate our friendships, but i really need to put more effort into seeing them. And im sure the reverse is true too.
11.Write more. I used to write about my feelings. And furthermore, i used to feel comfortable writing about my feelings. But now as i get older, i am falling into the rut of "propriety". Like, i have to cover everything up because i want to project happiness in order to be happy.
12. Talk less. I talk WAY to much. I can't help it, and i need to work on it. I feel like i'll learn more about myself and the people around me if i listen more. The only problem with this is, i don't need to be any more in my head than i already am. Which i recently realized, is probably why i talk so much. To expel the thoughts from my head, and to distract myself from my thoughts.
13. Reevaluate my relationship. It's so difficult for me to do this, but i really need to make my relationship healthier. I don't know how to do this, but i know i have to. And i have to be able to tell myself that if it's not working, its okay for it to end. It's the last thing i want, but i have to be okay with it if that's what ends up happening. i will not end up in the rut i was in before.
14. Visit my nephew more.
15.Become more independent. Now, this is silly. Because mentally i'm a crazily independent woman. But emotionally, i'm a freaking trainwreck. Now don't get me wrong, i have NEVER been a follower. I never do anything i don't want to do. But lately my happiness is depending more and more on other people and less and less on myself. And i know this isn't healthy, i have to change it. Which is why i feel the need to change the last 14 things about myself, because i feel like it will make this area of my life so much more conducive to happiness.

Last but not least i want to point out that making this list really wasn't hard at all. It was cathartic, it was helpful. I have never actually laid out things about myself i want to improve upon, and i hope that doing this illicits some sort of the change that i am looking for. We'll see. We'll definitely see.

Jess

avoiding my paper

im supposed to be writing a paper right now about art criticism. either that or my other paper on same sex marriage... but instead im watching twilight thinking about my life. and how my niece just turned eighteen. and my nephew is turning eighteen in october.. and my other niece is turning sixteen in june. and my nephew is turning 13.... they're all getting so big! i know im still young and i'm barely turning 21.. but i feel so old. its hard for me to remember what i was like when i was 13, 16, 18 etc and reconcile it with who they are! because in my head i still kind of regard them like kids, and you know how you are at those ages, you dont want to be kids anymore! lol i've been an auntie since i was 3 years old... i know that's weird but i love it. and i love my family!

one thing i really dislike about life is the instability of it all... i understand that being an adolescent and young adult is one of the most difficult phases to go through because its an inbetween, but i'm sick of it! it's like this big elephant looming in the room telling me im financially unstable all the time, and im barely making ends meet all the time, and every month i go down to zero just trying to get by. Ugh. i'm so happy with who i am becoming, where i am, and my friends and family in life but sometimes i wonder when i will reach a level of certainty. a sense of knowing that i'm not working my butt off to make minimum wage and live day to day.. i mean don't get me wrong.. i have so many friends who are married..some that have children..and that's awesome because that must be what they wanted. i'm NOT saying that's what i want. i definitely don't want a family or a marriage right now. i'm just saying i want stability...haha. i know it's normal, and i know i'll get through it. and honestly i know that no matter what goes wrong... ill get through it and one day it will just be a moment in the past and it won't really matter. im keeping that at the forefront of my thoughts. :)

on another note. i'll be 21 in two months and seven days. i'm excited, we're going to vegas!!!!!!YAY.