i want

dark knight posters all up on my room when i move back to los angeles.
and crash posters, and girl, interrupted posters.
i wannnnnnnt them.

and i also want. to feel NOTHING. about alexander louis thompson.
& im almost there.

its not fair to miss someone and care about them as a person, when they dont care about you! :[
its the same thing with people. its not just alex.
dont think its because he's my ex.
its because once im close to someone, i hate dealing with remote forms of rejection.
like i'll get over it, and i'll handle it.
but like its the same thing as with iliana when she stopped talking to me as much
it hurts a little. thats the same thing with alex. i miss being his friend. :/


whatever. the world, it continues spinning.

"and at the end of the day, you onlyy really have yourself, and thats honesty."

live a little

so we are having a rally this monday.
im really excited.
i love having rallies. i love standing on the corner with a sign that says something i believe in.
i love it. i love making the people in their cars think. i love standing and seeing my friends enjoy such a great experience. ive even had people tell me its influenced their lives immensely.

its just i really wish there could be more people going, ya know?
its such a great experience i wish people would take the step from inactivity to activity and attend them.
ugh.
frustration.

ijust got called that "once mormon chick thats gone bad" i liked the title.
i think its fitting. hah. but still i missss being religious. i know how bad it can be.
i know it is based on fear. and its sad, because i consider it a weakness.
i consider it something people need because they are weak.
and good christians acknowledge that they are weak and with god, they are made strong.

but im just strong period, is that so wrong?

anyway, when THE FUCK did he become moderate?!?!?! fuck.

chaos.

"madness, as they say, is like gravity. all it takes is a little push." -the joker.


ps. im in love with the joker.
i want to marry him.
and paint on his makeup every morning.
and have his deluded ass clown baby children.

i am invisible

i am.
i love.
i become.
i become love.
i become love when.
i become love when i.
i become love when i dream.
i become love when i dream and
i become love when i dream and my
i become love when i dream and my darkest
i become love when i dream and my darkest and
i become love when i dream and my darkest and most
i become love when i dream and my darkest and most frivolous
i become love when i dream and my darkest and most frivolous desires
i become love when i dream and my darkest and most frivolous desires fuse.
i fuse. i love. i am. i dream. im dark. im frivolous. i desire.
im lost, like a shadow in the sunlight.
like a pebble in a mountain, i scatter, i drop like raindrops.
i run like water down a sidewalk.
spilling paint when i breathe.

a heart on my sleeve

i hate being close to my humanity.

i mean, most people wear their humanity on their sleeve.
but god its like i don't consider myself human and want to keep all the insecurity and vulnerability that comes with being human away from myself. i am a bitch, id rather be cold and sarcastic....removed from the situation. im emotionally detached..
and yet.
when i find myself feeling.
its admittance. its like im moving around so fast thinking all these thoughts that are spinning round just to avoid being still. with stillness comes calm. with calm comes time for the thoughts that hurt.

i just got like...pangs of sadness. the first in about eight years ;]
i miss him. i want to be friends.
but we don't need each other. we really have no reason to be friends.
i hate facebook. because when people tag people in photos it announces it.
so i log on today, and marissa tagged alex in some photos. whatever..i don't even look at it right.
and i change the page.
but then i stop and think.
and god, i really am happy. and i hope to science that he really is happy too.
but geez, i do miss my best friend.
and ya know... the sad part is..i just need to get over it.

you can't be close with everyone jessica.
you can't just expect people to love you as much as you love them.
you cant want everything.
you cant be everyones best friend.
you cant always win.

ahaha.

sam i am

well. i decided there are eighty million things you can be. and those things vary and change according to the second.

and it makes me wonder about what i am. everyone wants to be so unique. i want to be able to say that i am not a can of soup, you can't label me, file me away, classify me, or put me in a neatly bow-tied box. but you know what, maybe we can. and we try so hard to make ourselves so very very different, so verry veryy special. but we really are all the same. maybe we create our differences, we make ourselves the city upon the hill.

sometimes i want to know what i am. who i am. but isn't that what living is all about? isn't living about growing about breathing and finding out who you are, and in fact, who you aren't? but its like i want to know fact-wise what i am and who i am. but part of me doesnt even want to have to define myself. i don't want to limit myself. what a conundrum. paradox, thy name is jessica?

im just going to name words that could be me:
smoker/vegetarian meat lover?/girl/woman/student/high school graduate/goes to therapy/bicurious?/sexually active/unemployed/ambitious/passionate/driven/bitchy/angry driver/angry period./friend/sister/ daughter/ex girlfriend/girlfriend/drinker/beachgoing /driving/therapy seeking/atheist/liberal/political/intellectual/reading/crying/ranting / teasing/ friend/ lover/hater/ dreamer/ realist/ pessimist/ dying.

hah.

really, tragedy, thy name is jessica. :]

and at the end of every day. look in the mirror. you don't know who you are. and if you think you do. look again, there are secrets hidden behind your eyes.

"when i speak to my friends, i don't have a face." - me.

numero uno

im excited to have a blog!!! <3