I want to introduce you to my first celebrity crush ever.

i'm not going to make a big deal about this.

but this boy is seriously cute.

well, first celebrity crush other than peter pan in the movie when it came out when i was 15. haha.

<3

boooooo.

im turning twenty years old in five days. i swear two days ago i was fifteen years old. time really flies by, i was in high school getting driven around by my parents. and now im twenty...have a full time job and live in los angeles...when the fuck did this happen?

ive gone through a lot- seen a lot. been through a lot. gotten rid of a lot.

and heres my thing.
we really think every best friend is goign to be our last. and my question is, is it because we really want that person to be our ultimate? or because we are socially conditioned to search for the notion of a "best friend".

i know we all say im difficult and bitchy and not that nice etcetera... but im going to tell you that isnt true, thats an excuse. and i love that. i love that other people can use that as an excuse but i can't. the truth is people let you down. all of them will. but the people you have to loook for are the ones that will let you down the least. the ones who will try their hardest. and wont betray you on purpose.

recently i had a discussion with a friend about friendship. and she said that friendship has high school and post high school notions. in high school you are clicky right? you have factions and you don't get along with everyone, or really anyone. and post high school your supposed to get past that- mature and get along with everyone.

see i don't think thats a high school/post high school mentality. i think thats part of your character. you don't mature out of that. someone can choose to be everyones friend etcetera. but i can't do that. ive tried. if people hurt you- you have to stand up for yourself. you have to let them know that isnt okay.

seriously lets think about this really quickly. we've all been taught that sometimes in life- in the workplace whathaveyou, we have to be a hypocrite. we have to have the notion of politeness in working towards a common goal. this is true- to a certain extent (cause you should never have to sacrifice who you are for anything). we all know we are supposed to respect our elders (so we don't agree with them, we let their little comments slide etcetera (i dont really let this shit slide though..but in general i understand). why whould we do this with our close friendships? or even our not close friendships.

we are so used to what is "PC" what is politically correct, what is "nice", what appears "good" but true good is being true to yourself. everything in our world is about how everything "looks" or "appears". this is what you have been told and this is what you have been led to believe about everything. but i'm going to tell you why this isn't the case with friends.

these are the people we trust with ourselves, who we really are. we put it all out there- heart and soul. This is who we are when we kickback let loose and reveal our darkest secrets and desires..when we aren't at work..at school..playing the game..and living in the institutions. this is who we make ourselves vulnerable too- why would you compromise yourself with who these people are? so yeah. damn straight. people may think im too hard on friends- but the point is... i dont care if i have one friend, or none, or five. i just care that they are quality. thats what its about not how many friends i have..not what they think about me...but whether they are freaking worth it. we talk about it.. but we sacrifice a lot in our friendships so make them worth it. its okay to have standards. its not a high school mentality- its a mentality of standards. i don't need friends. i want them. so im not going to settle for assholes who talk a bunch of shit and can never stand up for me. for assholes that don't understand me but think they do. for bitches who are going to choose sides and teams and make this a fucking war. because fuck you, i have better things to do with my life. and there are better people out there.

if you like everyone, you really like no one. love issnt about breadth its about depth. think about it.

what i miss

first kisses on driveways.
ugh. in the sunlight. during summer. awkward tippy toes and your mouth twitching cause your so goddamn nervous.

thats it.
thats the only thing i miss. :)
i love life, it totally blurs on.

im not in a rush like everyone else. i don't understand what the point is. everyone is in such a hurry to find their "future" but goddamnit im barely going to be twenty. im going to let my future find me. i just want to do everything i can so that when i look back at my life i didnt limit myself, instead i have this crazy concotion of experiences that painted my life.

but i do miss first kisses on driveways.
i just seriously...don't like ANYONE. is that so wrong? NO. i wish people would stop telling me to "get back on the horse". WTF. WHAT HORSE? WHOSE HORSE IS THIS? WHY AM I RIDING A HORSE? WHO THE FUCK MADE RIDING A HORSE SYNONYMOUS FOR DATING?! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

lol anyway, out.

hello

today is two days before i get the keys to my new apartment.
and let me tell you! i am freaking out!
did you know i have nightmares/dreams about finding furniture.. and bills... lol its rather daunting the more i think about it.

but i really am super excited. i just... feel so pressured all of the time. my life is totally planned out for me. i go to class. for the next minimum two years...but i plan on going to graduate school.. so five years! .and i have all these crazy commitments.. and thats a good thing. im way being responsible. it just gets a little overwhelming. i dont miss my youth-youth where i was crazy and nonchalant.. i really don't. im happy to be where i am now. its just change.. and change is good.. its just new and shocking.. and wonderful. :)

blehhh. anyway we'll see how this business goes. im happy here. where i am. without my past. and with my future.