my minds thoughts

are erratic. and obsessive, and honestly downright spirally. not in a bad way all the time, but in a stream of conscious, mildly cynical, utterly exhaustive way that keeps me from sleeping at night. especially when my love life is in question... sleeping is out of the question.

love is the four letter word that takes every cliche expression and turns it inside out. i only know it because i feel it, but because i can't compare it i doubt it's effects. I don't even know if what i know to be love and a genuine connection is one, because i feel as though what i have to compare to it are half assed attempts at relatedness and a prior teenage relationship with no substance or sense of reality. Every major romantic decision to date, which granted is limited and restrained (always, by me and myself and i) has come down to a head vs. heart esque dillema that has me running for the door and away from intimacy. I don't know why or when or if it's true. All i know is that with every step i take towards my future i find a tugging nagging sense of urgency to walk away from my relationship. (This is my brain talking)

It's saying that logically, the odds of ending up with my high school sweetheart are slim to none. It's saying that if i want to pursue a top career i have to be determined and vigorous in my ambitions. And thus, i have to make the best decisions for myself. I can't think in terms of a 'we'. I have to look out for me. It means i put my career first and find my relationship later. It's saying that love is not ever going to be just enough, and that really, i should probably just date. It's saying that in confining myself to a relationship so young in the game i might actually be limiting myself.

It's saying that Jessica, if you feel all of the above, you really must not trust this guy. And that, coupled with a fear of commitment, will have you running for the door everytime. It's saying that i don't want to believe in fairytales or romantic shit because i'm not that type of girl. But i want to believe that i would be dazzled by the character of a man with such passion he could qualify my own. It's saying that sometimes love is baggage....and you need to walk away to find something better.

My heart...doesn't need a list. It just feels. And beats. And hums away. It remains completely at odds with my head in that it cannot be convinced that leaving my love could ever be the right decision. It tells me to hold on to this precious feeling as long as i can. It tells me things will get better, and to trust that. It tells me that leaving would be running away. And what if i regret it? What if i just didn't give it long enough? I would put myself through a generally guaranteed amount of angst and heartache. To prove a point down the line? To hope for better? I know it's there...i just don't know how important it would be comparably.


I know that i have to trust myself. I have to listen to what i want, and what is best for me. I just really...really..don't know which part of myself to listen too.