maybe i'll always fear commitment...

I wonder sometimes about relationships. If we're all doing them right, in our different ways. Or if we're all doing them wrong, in every way. I don't wonder about love. I feel like when you're in love- you just know. You can feel it in your toes, everywhere. It's this palpable knowledge..not even a feeling anymore. Where you can be absolutely ridiculous with someone. Silly. Teasing. I don't think there is anything wrong with love. No, love is easy. It feels right. The problem comes when you put your love under the parameters of a relationship. Relationships suck! So many questions, situations, challenges, ideals, and feelings come into conflict with one another. Basically, you can be in love but a relationship puts two people in direct conflict with one another. You love one another so you have to feel each other out..you have to learn. .relearn. .group. .regroup. .continue. And sometimes it fails. Sometimes you have to start again. And because the relationship fails...you are forced to make the love fail. One falls out of love...the other is dragged out of love. And it hurts. Because the comfort your body- your essence- YOU- got used to, is being wrenched apart. You have to adjust. And it's not easy.

So all of this just makes me wonder, if being in love is so great, what makes a relationship so damn difficult?

What you want out of it, for one. Quirks. Interests. Past, present, and future decisions... it's all a crap shoot. hit or miss.

And some people think they didn't miss..that they found the one for them. But then you take the beautiful love..wrapped in a (we'll call it) functional relationship...and then you put it under the parameters of marriage. Then you hit the big challenges...Money. Time. Goals. Priorities. Sacrifices (whether for your partner or for your relationship) Skills. Ideals. How your going to raise your kids. And heaven forbid you both change into people you don't even know. Because that's going to happen. You are both going to change, hopefully you'll grow towards each other rather than away from each other. And hopefully when you both change, you can still recognize who you loved in that person. Hopefully it's a change for the better...for the both of you. But is that really reasonable to expect? Your 20. Or your 22. Or your 25...it doesn't matter. Who are you going to be when your 30? or 40? or even 65? I'm not telling you it can't work. I'm telling you that you yourself are going to want things from yourself you didn't' want now. Isn't that at least a little scary?

SO my point is. When you fall in love..it's so hard to wrench yourself from people or individuals your madly in love with..people you want to try soooo hard to BE WITH. but if your trying so hard, how much is too much? Ask yourself then (when your young and in love) what you may not be able to afford to ask yourself THEN (when your 45 and you don't even know who you married). Draw lines. Have deal breakers. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE CHOOSY.

now only if i could listen to my own advice pfffft, i'm in love, who am i kidding?