STRESSSSSSS

I decided i'm going to make a list of things about myself that i can control and change, in an effort to grow emotionally. Lately my life is so stressful i've realized there must be things i can change to alleviate the stress.

1. Sleeping Habits, as in sleep earlier, wake up earlier. I swear i must have a sleeping disorder.
2. Stop procrastinating so much, i literally choose to leave things off until later sometimes.
3. Stop holding grudges, seriously this adds so much weight to my emotions and brain its ridiculous. At this point, i can't help it but i know if i work on it it'll get better. I'm just so used to "not settling" that i mentally (and unintentionally) keep a tab so i make sure i'm not getting fucked over. Probably because I've been screwed over so many times... but its just plain not healthy.
4. Only put as much energy into the people around me, as they are putting back into me. This sounds petty, but really its just exhausting to invest so much and not have it returned.
5. Start excercising. I am severely lacking in energy, ALL THE TIME! I need to start making my body feel alive.
6. Quit smoking. I've been trying to do this for a couple years now... and its really not that hard. Except i am a "why not'er" not a "why'er" and at the end of the day i only ask myself, "why not?". and my resolve weakens.
7. Get a better job. A large part of the stress in my life comes from my job, the pay grade, the stress level, the responsibilities, and the lack of return i see from my efforts.
8. Go to the doctor's. Yeah, i've been avoiding the fact that something is seriously wrong with me. I slept through my freshmen year of college, i severely lack motivation, energy, and my body hurts all the time. I've been avoiding the fact that i could be depressed. I thought i'd already passed that hurtle without having to have it addressed in a professional capacity, but i recently realized that it doesnt always manifest itself in the mental state of people, but in their actions or inactions. My body is literally trying to tell me what i'm trying to ignore about myself.
9. Get a blood test. I have never had a blood test. I HATE needles. What i really want is for someone, preferably my boyfriend, to go with me and hold my hand, cause i actually am scared about the thought of a needle not only in my skin but taking precious bodily fluid out of me..ugh. However, i hate that people or alex will think its silly that i'm asking for company. And i hate that about my life. Besides, i really should get a blood test. My mom has thyroid issues and i should really check and see if i got them too so i can begin treatment early.
10. Hang out with my best friends more. They make me SO HAPPY i don't know why i don't hang out with them more. Quite literally, i feel like im stuck in a rut, and i know they will help me out of it and i know that i'll enjoy it! My best friends and i have never had to see each other often to validate our friendships, but i really need to put more effort into seeing them. And im sure the reverse is true too.
11.Write more. I used to write about my feelings. And furthermore, i used to feel comfortable writing about my feelings. But now as i get older, i am falling into the rut of "propriety". Like, i have to cover everything up because i want to project happiness in order to be happy.
12. Talk less. I talk WAY to much. I can't help it, and i need to work on it. I feel like i'll learn more about myself and the people around me if i listen more. The only problem with this is, i don't need to be any more in my head than i already am. Which i recently realized, is probably why i talk so much. To expel the thoughts from my head, and to distract myself from my thoughts.
13. Reevaluate my relationship. It's so difficult for me to do this, but i really need to make my relationship healthier. I don't know how to do this, but i know i have to. And i have to be able to tell myself that if it's not working, its okay for it to end. It's the last thing i want, but i have to be okay with it if that's what ends up happening. i will not end up in the rut i was in before.
14. Visit my nephew more.
15.Become more independent. Now, this is silly. Because mentally i'm a crazily independent woman. But emotionally, i'm a freaking trainwreck. Now don't get me wrong, i have NEVER been a follower. I never do anything i don't want to do. But lately my happiness is depending more and more on other people and less and less on myself. And i know this isn't healthy, i have to change it. Which is why i feel the need to change the last 14 things about myself, because i feel like it will make this area of my life so much more conducive to happiness.

Last but not least i want to point out that making this list really wasn't hard at all. It was cathartic, it was helpful. I have never actually laid out things about myself i want to improve upon, and i hope that doing this illicits some sort of the change that i am looking for. We'll see. We'll definitely see.

Jess