a heart on my sleeve

i hate being close to my humanity.

i mean, most people wear their humanity on their sleeve.
but god its like i don't consider myself human and want to keep all the insecurity and vulnerability that comes with being human away from myself. i am a bitch, id rather be cold and sarcastic....removed from the situation. im emotionally detached..
and yet.
when i find myself feeling.
its admittance. its like im moving around so fast thinking all these thoughts that are spinning round just to avoid being still. with stillness comes calm. with calm comes time for the thoughts that hurt.

i just got like...pangs of sadness. the first in about eight years ;]
i miss him. i want to be friends.
but we don't need each other. we really have no reason to be friends.
i hate facebook. because when people tag people in photos it announces it.
so i log on today, and marissa tagged alex in some photos. whatever..i don't even look at it right.
and i change the page.
but then i stop and think.
and god, i really am happy. and i hope to science that he really is happy too.
but geez, i do miss my best friend.
and ya know... the sad part is..i just need to get over it.

you can't be close with everyone jessica.
you can't just expect people to love you as much as you love them.
you cant want everything.
you cant be everyones best friend.
you cant always win.

ahaha.